Yesterday I did something so utterly loathsome, so heinous and vile, I feel the need to confess it here and perhaps make myself feel better about it. Yesterday I made a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and ate the entire thing.
Some people might wonder why, if I know I’m capable of such a self destructive act, I keep Kraft in the house at all. Well, I’ll tell you. I keep a few boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (as well as other delicious packaged poisons) on hand as part of my emergency Zombie Stash, a stockpile of pure junk food that I will consume in the event that World War Z, otherwise known as the Great Zombie War, ever actually goes down.
While some people might hoard candles, water, rice, and dehydrated soup, antibiotics or whatever, I am stockpiling foodstuffs such as Hostess Twinkies, chocolate syrup, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and all kinds of wonderful things because if I’m ever forced to live my remaining hours or days defending my food supply I’m sure as hell not gonna die on a stomach full of organic rice. No, that’s absolutely not going to happen.
When the end of the world comes and my neighbors have boarded themselves into their houses and zombie people infected with the “rage virus” are running through the streets in search of flesh, I will be perched atop my roof watching it all unfold as I smoke cigarettes (and anything else I can get my hands on) and enjoy the last box of Hostess RingDings and Reese’s Peanut Butter cups on the planet, washed down with chocolate milkshakes, maple syrup-soaked Eggos, and plenty of imported beer. With any luck I’ll keel over from clogged arteries before the zombies even know I’m up there.
Yes, that is how it’s going to go down. Because, are you kidding me? If I’m facing the end of the world I won’t give a royal fuck about cholesterol, calories, or my blood pressure. And that’s why I keep an Emergency Zombie War Food Stash on hand.
The only drawback is that every once in awhile, usually after I’ve been faithfully eating health food for a few months, I go berserk and break into that stash. That’s what happened to me yesterday. I was watching 28 Weeks Later and saw the few survivors eat macaroni and moldy oatmeal, and it occurred to me how much better my Zombie Stash is than theirs. So I paused the movie, got up and made a big bowl of Kraft, and then ate it while I watched them slurp their moldy oatmeal and then get slaughtered by zombies.
Now I’ve got to go to the supermarket and replenish my stash, but that’s cool because I remembered I want to add a couple boxes of Cap’n Crunch to my stash anyway.
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I found this helpful guide (pictured below) at : www.shotgunreviews.com/category/horror/zombies/
OMG – Too funny. If the zombies do attack, I’m hitting the cheesecake and I’m hitting it hard! LOL
This has given me a lot to think about. I’m not the least bit prepared for such an event, and now I’m a tad bit worried. I’m gonna start working on a list right away. Thank for this most important public service announcement.
Vile? What are you talking about? You were practicing. You know, a little duck and cover thing going on. What do you think? Zombies don’t practice? Please! Look how fast they mobilize! You think that’s an accident? Don’t be fooled by their crumbly countenance. They are ever vigilant and we should be too.
Thank you, Wendy, for reminding us to stay sharp, keep focused and rotate our stock.
Oh. My. GOD! Wendy! I can’t believe nobody has told you that Kraft Macaroni & Cheese actually ATTRACTS ZOMBIES!! Get rid of that stuff right away.
B&G?!?!? You didn’t know this?
What you need in your Zombie Panic Room is a 55 gallon drum of Ultra Marshmallow Fluff Concentrate. One teaspoon of that in the Zombies gob and KABOOM! Zombie juice everywhere!
Plus zombies hate cigarette smoke. It makes them sneeze violently.
Finally. In conclusion. Lucky thing you have your Sea Monkey flashlight! You are GOLDEN for surviving the Zombie hordes. Gosh has certainly smiled upon your home.
@ teeni - Wow, I forgot about cheesecake. Cheesecake should definitely be in everybody’s stash.
@ Bound and Gags – You’re right! That’s a much better the-glass-is-half-full mentality. I was indeed practicing. And I’m always vigilant about this impending war.
@ David – Yes, marshmallow too. And the other stuff to make smores. I’ll also have a water pistol filled with gasoline, and a flare gun like the kind made for boats. Just in case I have to set the zombies (or anyone else) on fire while they’re climbing onto my roof to get at me.
Oh Lord, all I’ve got stashed in my kitchen are rigatoni and meatball lean cuisines and Vita muffins. I keep saying, I need to get a can with a sword. I could at least chop some zombie up if I had to, small enough pieces in my crock pot, who knows what delicacy I could come up with. I am a damn good cook. I wonder what goes good with a side of Zombie?
I love it. This is so much better than my Hurricane survival kit. I am trading in my bottled water, flashlight and hip waders for Pringles, Champagne, and Skittles.
@ Joan – You totally need that cane sword. The next time some police activity takes place in your front yard, you can run out there with your “bayonet” and keep them cornered till the cops arrive.
@ betme- Yes! That’s the spirit! But like I said, the only drawback — and it’s kind of major — is that every once in awhile you sort of creep into your stash, but at least you can still replenish it as long as World War Z hasn’t started.
I was explaining you sage advise to Mr. J who thinks these items should already be in our hurricane kit as well. While everyone else is breaking into stores stealing water and big screen TVs, we will be sitting back in our lawn chairs sipping champane and eating Skittles.
Sorry… Sipping on a mimosa or three this morning and cant psell so well.
@ betme – Yes, I agree, all survival kits should include comfort foods and booze. When you’re left with nothing but disaster or the end of the world you should at least be able to gorge yourself on whatever you feel like and watch it all unfold as entertainment. I learned this lesson during Hurricane Bob when most of the East Coast was without electiricity for weeks on end and life became all-out weird. I vowed this would neve happen to me again and that’s how my disaster kit was born. In the case of zombie wars, however, this kit is especially vital because the stores will never be re-stocked. You need to have your own personal cache because it’ll have to last you all the way to the bitter end.
P.S. – Try and stock up on Xanax or Valium and/or something to smioke to include in your Zombie War kit. I think it’ll become as important to you as Skittles and champagne, well worth defending with your flame thrower gun.
Hahaha… to the PS. We are stocking up on the special Meds for our retirement days. We plan on making the news…
“Delirious semi-naked granny and her walker-wielding hubby were arrested trying to score pot at the corner house of ill repute.”
(everyone needs to set goals)
[...] but a very important addition. If the world is going to hell and Al Qaida, the Zulu Warriors, or Wendy’s Zombies have over-run the city, (or the slight chance that we have a hurricane or a tornado) I want to be [...]