We have an open-air courtyard in the middle of our house and at 2:30 this morning I was sitting in it smoking a cigarette when a bat flew at my fucking head. Yes a bat.
Of course I SCREAMED, because even though I like bats I hadn’t been expecting this one, and our Chihuahua, who was still in bed (our bedroom is right off the courtyard; Southwestern architecture is really-really unusual) and she started barking because that’s all she could really do from her vantage point. She’s too small to get off the bed unassisted.
Even though we never smoke inside, I went running through the house with my cigarette (right past the bed, where Buck lay comatose and Stella was vibrating with anger) and I grabbed Sidney (my poodle) and ran outside to our back patio. Sidney, I knew, wouldn’t let a bat fly at my head. He’d already proven himself last week when some bird FLEW AT MY FACE one afternoon while I sat typing at our patio table. If it hadn’t been for Sidney–who came out of nowhere and fearlessly jumped in front of me to meet the bird mid-air–that pigeon would have pecked my eyes out.
(I have a third dog, a Pomeranian named Timmy, but he’s quite elderly and really isn’t interested in anything that’s going on around him. He won’t even stand up unless there’s a bite-sized piece of steak involved and even then it’s iffy; usually he makes you bring it to him.)
Sidney (pictured right) wandered around the backyard sniffing around for stray cats while I finished my cigarette, sulked about the bat, and reluctantly flipped through a copy of Cycle World that was lying around. I remembered that the last time I saw a bat was on Cape Cod. We had an outdoor shower and if you showered at dusk you could see bats darting through the sky. But the last time one of them flew at my head was when I was a teenager in the late 1970s.
I was at an illegal party in the Bourne Town Forest with about 40 other teenagers (think of the movie Dazed and Confused). We had a bonfire going, which probably kept the bats at bay, but then a few of my girlfriends needed to pee. Being a true girlfriend, I of course went along. We made a long trek far from the bonfire and into the woods. I was standing in the dark with four or five girls who were peeing (which is hard to do when you’re a drunk girl in the forest because it requires such intricate balance to keep the pee off your jeans) and because I wasn’t peeing I was the only one standing upright. Then … THUD, something whacked me in the fucking head. At first I thought a tree branch had fallen on me, but then I heard flapping and I looked up and saw all these bats flying right over us, just inches from our precious teen bodies. I screamed of course, which begot more screaming, and chaos ensued.
I never took acid or THC or whatever (because I’m a big chicken whose drug interests, even back then, have always been limited to a decent prescription sleeping pill), and even though I’d been drinking beer and was probably a little stoned on pot I know this really happened. A bat hit me in the fucking head when I was a teenager and it almost happened again at 2:30 this morning.
To add insult to injury, when I finally went back to sleep … well, okay, let me say that I’ve been working hard on my novel and it’s always in my thoughts, even when I’m asleep … I was asleep and this great line came to me. It was the very best line I’ve ever come up with and I would even go so far as to say it was profound. But Sidney started squealing like a pig for some reason and this line, this great and profound line, popped right out of my head. I looked at the clock and it was 7:04 AM. He wanted to go out so he squealed the line right out of my head and I still can’t remember it.
Gawd, I HATE it when that happens! The losing the profound thought, not the bat hitting you in the fucking head. ROFLOL. Just the thought of bats makes me twitchy. Ewww. My Lily is too small to get off the bed unassisted too. But she’d bark loud enough as if she was in the same room with you. Does Stella? How could Buck sleep through that??
I should not be laughing at the loss of a profound thought, but you are a fucking riot! (and my cursing is in full blown epidemic mode right now)
About the bat, I am pretty sure had I been 1/2 stoned, peeing in the woods, when accosted by a bat, I would have peed my pants.
Oh yes… I posted a recipe for you to try.
Another reason to have a cane- a bat whacker!!
Ohmygod! This is making my skin crawl. I have an absolute horror of bats. Whenever I see them buzzing around at dusk I run in the house.
And I don’t care what anybody says, I still believe they can get tangled in your hair.
@ Barbara
Didn’t you have one knocking at your window on Abbot Run Valley Road?
Maybe you just have a freakish attraction to Batman and these subconscious thoughts ATTRACT the bats right to you?
Sidney is adorable.
Brilliant! I was a kid visiting my grandmother in NC the first time I saw a bat fly into someone. It was also the first time I was told that laughter isn’t proper in some situations. It was also the first time I knew adults could be wrong.
Growing up in the Northwest we used to take rocks and tie white strips of cloth to em them and throw them up by the street lights at night and the bats would chase them.
If girls with big tits work @ Hooters,
Do you know where girls with a wooden legs work?
IHOP.
@ Little Miss – Stella has trouble with her knees, which is pretty common with chihuahuas. They have tiny knees and as they get older, they get worn out. Hers are okay if she doesn’t jump.
@ betme – Thank you, and thanks for the recipe too! I commented about it over on your blog.
@ Joan – Yes, a cane would have been good. I kind of swatted at it with my hand.
@Barbara – Well, see, I think they could get tangled in your hair too. Very easily, if you have long hair. It’s a good thing it didn’t scratch me because I doubt I would have gone to the ER for a rabies shot. I would have gotten rabies and just tried to live through it.
@ Curious C – I’ve wondered if I attract bats somehow, but I don’t think it has anything to do with Adam West or anybody.
@ Bound and Gags - Yeah, I would have laughed too if was happening to someone else. I always do.
@ Jackass – I almost guessed the answer to that joke, and you’ve given me a great idea for skeet shooting bats. I’m gonna go rip up one of Buck’s dress shirts.
Joan! I forgot all about that–either that or I deliberately managed to block the memory.
What was so weird about it was I was lying in bed late one summer night reading Bram Stoker’s “Dracula,” when I heard a noise at the window next to me. I looked over and there was a freaking bat trying to fly through the screen. Scared the crap out of me.
Listen, I feel for ya I really do. My own dear wife is engaged in a rodent battle of her own with the rats in her horse barn. And I helped! (Reference to a Shake n Bake TV commercial from the 1960s) Anybody remember it?
Anyway, the body count is up to about 14 rats. That poison is like candy to them.
Bats really are pretty creepy. You can get revenge on them at dusk by tossing pebbles up at them and watching them swoop at the stones. Be careful not to bust any skylight windows on yours or your neighbors’ homes while tormenting the bats.
And here’s a hint for you Wendy. See if you can get your “fucking head” to emit less ultrasonic wavelengths. The bats will be less drawn to it. They’re also drawn to “clicks and whistles” I’ve heard.
@ Wendy: Yeah, I would have laughed too if was
happening to someone else. I always do.
You know what Mel Brooks said,
“Comedy is you falling down a manhole cover and dying. Tragedy is me getting a paper cut.”
Holy fucking shit. I would have screamed bloody murder. BATS ARE GROSS! There is a stuffed bat above my window at work. It was taken from a store trying to sell it.
How much you ask?? $139.95. I don’t effin’ think so.
LOL @ Joan!
Yikes. We used to tease the bats by tossing little pebbles up in the air. They’d swoop to get the pebbles thinking they were bugs to eat. But I never had one come at my head before! -EEep!
MAn, that sucks about losing the line. That happened to me this morning too. Something about small satin cases in pale colors: pink, yellow and green. I know, it doesn’t sound like much of a loss. but I had a *plan* for it! you had to be there. I was really ticked… Good luck. You might try sleeping with a tennis racket by your bed side. For the bats, I mean. It probably won’t help much with the lost lines.
Sorry to hear about your bat incident; sounds horrendous. But please don’t seek ‘revenge’ as one of your readers suggested or ‘tease’ the bats. It won’t improve matters. x